I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
