If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
