so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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