If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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