I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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