Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
