No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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