You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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