omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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