I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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