one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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