in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
