hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
