Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize