I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
