my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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