Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
