how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
