I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
