i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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