btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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