I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
