My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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