Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
