its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
