i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
