She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
