i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
