So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
