so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
