grandma shit on top of the toilet
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
