I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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