I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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