If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
