How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
