Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
