i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
