somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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