I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
