she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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