he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
