So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
