im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
