Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
