hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
