take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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