If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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