my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
