please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
