I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
