The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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