Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
