Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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