im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
