he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
