I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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