so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
