he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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